Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sext me about skeletons
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
