Tell her she can't have a vagina
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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