haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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