My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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