Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
