I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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