so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
