i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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