You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
pop tarts are not kleenex
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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