The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
