I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
