I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
