i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
