Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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