I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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