You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
