I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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