This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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