They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
