Need sex. Gaining weight.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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