just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
