I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
