the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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