it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
