Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
