life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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