Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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