this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
