I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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