Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
