it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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