i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
