May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
