you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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