I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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