Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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