I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
