I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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