Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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