best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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