so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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