Already got asked if we're dating
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
