i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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