I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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