Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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