You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
