Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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