seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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