im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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