I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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