you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize