Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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