After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
