My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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