I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
