Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
