Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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