1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
