I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
