Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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