I faked an abortion last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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