Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
