I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
